Listen to the Audio:
To the girl that is having a complete emotional breakdown in Moscow,
You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this very moment.
I know you are looking at me as if I’ve gone nuts, but I’m here to tell you that this will be one of the most important moments you’ll remember in your life.
Don’t get up. Stay there on the renaissance patterned hotel room carpet, and lay your head down for a moment and breathe.
You’re about to realize that the perception of how you have viewed your life will be spun upside down. You’re going to feel like your life has been a fraud. You’re about to get a very sinking feeling in your stomach that’s going to make you wonder about why you’ve wanted the life you’ve had.
You’re about to have your tipping point.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this very moment.
I’m telling you this because I want you to know that it is OK. It is OK to feel through those feelings, the questions, the admittance. That your life, as perfect as it looked on the outside….just wasn’t really yours.
I remembered what you dreamt about as a little girl. I know you’ve somehow forgotten this, as you grew up and learned what you were supposed to do or not supposed to do. You’ve always been a people pleaser, because it made you happy to see others content with you. And now you’ve reached a moment of wondering how you haven’t made one important person in your life as happy as the others. It is you that needs your full attention now.
I know it’s hard to see the forest from the trees at this very moment. Especially swallowed by the emotional paralysis that just ate you up because you haven’t let it out for so long. I also know you’re panicking about how you’re going to go to the 5 business meetings you’re supposed to have in about an hour in the dead cold winter in this Russian city. But just stay for a minute here, and hear me out.
This is not yet another corporate business trip of robotic meetings, handshakes, long hours catching up on e-mails on the laptop, and marketing a company you no longer believe in. This is not another day where you grit your teeth going through corporate policies, vacation requests, and time off because it’s what you need to afford your conventional lifestyle of a picket fenced home and job security.
You have lost sight of who you are, and where you want to be…but it hasn’t been taken from you. It was never far away from your reach. You still bear the fire I saw in you as a child. You will seek adventure again. You will see the world through the eyes of the real you again. You will fall in love with everything including yourself, in ways you cannot even imagine. I promise you this.
I know because I’m writing this to you 4 years later.
Because I know you so well, I already know you will beat yourself up. You will say horrible things to yourself about how you’ve failed. You will say how stupid you were to believe in the things you thought you wanted. You will think you’re depressed and that there is something wrong with you. There will be people who will also tell you that you are a fool for leaving a job and life that others would dream about. But this will pass, and you will have the last smile.
Nothing has been a coincidence or a waste of time. Everything that you have experienced have led you to this very moment, because you are here. In every breakdown, there comes a breakthrough. How beautiful it is in the world of contrast that we live in. To see how sweet the sweet can be, because we’ve experienced the bitter.
The conflict within yourself that you’ll experience in the next few days and months, will be the journey back to yourself. Don’t fight it. Let what needs to be said expressed as fully as it wants to come out. You don’t have to agree with everything, just acknowledge and validate that you have fears. You don’t have to be strong all the time, you can say you are afraid. There’s no one here to judge you because you’re admitting you have no clue where to start. Be extra kind to yourself, she needs you to accept her vulnerability.
This is your opportunity to begin again. To start living a life based on your own intent. Your own beliefs and how you want your reality to be. How exciting and amazing is that? People die everyday not being able to have these choices, and you’ve been given a gift. Seize it. Embrace it. Cry over it. But don’t turn back now.
In your journey, you’re going to discover so much about yourself that you were afraid to show before. How much you want to live from your heart, rather than practical and logical ways. You’ll always have your brain, you already know how that works. And now you want to live more from your heart. You’ll find a way to make them both play nice with each other.
You’re going to get so excited to know that every skill, talent, drive, and motivation that you’ve had in your tool belt has prepared you for what you’re about to endeavour in. But this time it’s going to be something meaningful. Something I know you’ll be on your deathbed and have a moment of reflection, where you’re almost quite pleased with yourself (you’ll have that smirk about you).
You’ll be getting rid of what you thought you were attached to. Things, possessions, security, and even people, that you thought defined you. Soon, you’re going to let go of a relationship that you thought was the love of your life. You’re going to feel like everything is falling apart and what you thought you knew was wrong. It’s going to scare you a little bit…but deep inside your heart, you’ll also be somewhat relieved.
You have not dishonoured yourself. You have not disappointed your friends or family. You will give the people you love the inspiration to follow their hearts, because you did it.
Can you accept that what you think you know, may not be what you need? May I be so bold as to challenge you to widen your perspective to possibilities that may not have even entered your reality?
I’m already here seeing and living your life that you’ve only dreamt about, but think that it’s something that can happen when you’ve put in your time as a cog in the rat race wheel. We’re going to have a chuckle together soon when you realize how many boundaries you’ve put upon yourself by creating stories that it takes a specific formula to reach happiness.
You won’t make as much money as you used to make in your job. Not yet anyway. It’s going to frighten you, because I know how much you need a “sure thing” before you move that little ass….but you’ll behave differently. Because you will see that all the things you actually want…the freedom, the exploration, the connection to things unfamiliar…doesn’t actually cost what you think it costs. But you will need courage, knowing why you persevere, and trust. Trust is going to be your challenge, but it’s going to start becoming second nature to you.
My dearest Lydia, you’re going to find your way. And you’ll also find out there is no destination of some kind to reach. You’ll understand that it’s all a process, and you’ll probably spend your entire life in the journey. Just let go of specific outcomes and expectations, and just do more of what makes you…well, feel good. I know it sounds simple, and a little bit far fetched, but it’s time to stop believing that old story that everything you desire has to be so complicated.
You don’t need to push, struggle, or work so hard to deserve a life you want. This is simply not true. When things are aligned, you will feel on purpose and at ease. Just go with flow.
Your life, 4 years from now, is going to be bring forth things that you have been afraid of, but reward you with such meaningful experiences, interactions, relationships, and opportunities that will be exactly what you need. You’ll be able to say no to things that don’t fulfill you, and lots of HELL YES to things that feel right. You’ll be able to tell the difference between what you want and what you don’t want. Decisions for your life will be so much easier and there will be less regrets.
I want to tell you how proud I am of you for letting yourself go through this moment. Your little lion heart is already more courageous than you think you are. You haven’t done anything wrong, you’ve made a choice to choose you. You are loved unconditionally and are perfect as you are.
Now get up, and open that door to the outside. Your life lenses will see something different. You’ll go to your meetings, but will know that after you come back, everything will change.
Girl this is amazing. You are always writing something as soon as i need it! You really are going to change so many lives with this one!
Such an angel!
Aw Caitlin, you always offer the kindest words 🙂 I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I got a bit emotional writing and recording the audio for this one – it’s such an experience to speak to yourself from the past 🙂
I’m glad the post resonated with you..and hope you loved reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. One vodka shot from me to you 🙂
Lydia, I especially love the part about there being no destination to reach. Thank you for being so honest and open, as you always are. I’m so happy to know you. I hope one day we’ll meet in person, too.
Thanks for reading the post, Mary! I’m so happy to know you and Jeff as well, and what an honour it was to have worked with both of you. I’m excited to see the expression of who you both truly are in your work, and the message you both have for the world 🙂
Totally love this post. I am going through the same experience now. Ive got over the mixed up feelings and am I doing the right thing as I know I have to do this. It can feel like Im a salmon swimming up stream against the tide as not many people around me feel the way I do but thank god for the internet and finding like minded people. I totally admire you for following your heart and letting us see what you experienced. Have a great weekend.
Thanks so much for dropping by and reading this post, which was very personal to me (even more than the rest!) 🙂
I absolutely get the way you described it…”like a salmon swimming upstream against the tide”. The journey of your own personal truth and the search for meaning can sometimes feel lonely and unsupported, especially if those closest with you just “don’t get it”. However, the best advice I can give regarding this is well…to put yourself into a different environment. An environment that allows your truth to flow through, an environment that supports your shift in your life, and inspire you to continue the pursuit.
Sometimes this means strategically putting yourself into circles of people or places that help harness this, and sometimes it means having a chat with your loved ones to ask them for this. You’ll be surprised how many of our friends and family want to support us in the unknown, but may not know how. And it is up to our own accountability to ask for that support also 🙂
And of course, the internet is an amazing thing..and there are a LOT of like-minded people like you who seek freedom and fulfillment..and I’m so glad you found us 🙂
Lastly, I thought you may enjoy a read of an older post I did about pursuing your purpose even if your friends and family disagree. There might be something in there that you may resonate with 🙂 https://screwthecubicle.com/pursue-your-purpose-whatever-it-takes-even-if-your-family-friends-disagree
Always here for your journey.
Lots of love,